All my life, I have striven to find “true love.” I’ve always looked for that magical love complete with singing birds and beautiful sun rays surrounding me with an aura of divinity. However, throughout my search I have never found that love.
I was raised and indoctrinated by Disney, and I really feel that it truly shaped my views of life, love and the world in general. I was brought up believing in the strong differences between good and evil, love and hate, right and wrong. I was brought up believing in the magic and mystery of love. However, as I grow older and my heart grows colder, I continue to doubt the myth of love in any form.
This blog entry, isn’t really a negative thing, more life a self-reflection in order for me to explore otherwise silent parts of my brain. I could sit here and tell you that I’ve dwelt on this for a while, but the truth is that the movie 500 Days of Summer really brought it back to the forefront of my mind. If you haven’t seen the movie, then I urge you to read no further as the rest may container spoilers. So, continue at your own risk.
The movie follows a person who falls desperately in love with their co-worker. Where the co-worker states from the beginning they just want friendship, it quickly and mutually evolves into something more, an unlabeled love if you will. As they get closer, the person falls more and more in love with their co-worker while the other one is complacently happy with their current scenario. This ends in disaster and the two parting ways while randomly meeting afterwards with awkward countenances.
Hurt feelings fly when it is revealed that the co-worker who only wanted friends is soon to be married, leaving the other person feeling stabbed in the back. Their life slowly spirals out of control until it spirals so low that the only place for it to go is up. The two have a satisfying, yet, not rewarding ending when you hoped for the two to be together forever. However, they part ways amicably and the one feeling jilted meets someone else in the end before the end credits roll.
I don’t know why this got me thinking a lot about my love life. I guess because like the protagonist in this movie, i never understood what love is either. If I can be honest with myself, I still don’t. I’ve felt something akin to love recently, but unfortunately it ended, although amicable it’s really awkward for me and I hate knowing that we aren’t together anymore. However, I realize that there is a lot that i need to discover for myself before I can bring anything constructive to a fulfilling relationship.
Now all that remains for me is a self-reflection of my love life and possibly a self-analysis. My first relationship started out through a mutual friend and right from the go it was somewhat volatile as the person I was dating was maniac depressive and suicidal. We didn’t do much and I think that caused tension from my end and I lost interest. Looking back, I feel that I could’ve tried to be more supportive and understanding of what they were going through and done a better job of making them feel wanted an appreciated. I know this now, but that doesn’t excuse the fact it took so long.
The next relationship was toxic to me as well as my partner was a kleptomaniac and it rubbed off on me for the time being. I didn’t steal much, and I enjoyed the thrill of it, even though I knew it was morally wrong. They dumped me citing that we lived too far away, even though we lived maybe a ten minute walk from each other.
Looking back, at the times these fleeting relationships were good I thought I loved them, and I thought they loved me too. But as time went on and the relationships started crumbling, it became clear there was no love lost or found in either relationship. It’s hard to admit this, but I feel that it weighs me down constantly. Not that the emotional air will be entirely clear, it just feels nice to solidify my thoughts. Throughout these two relationships, I’ve done my fair share of things that contributed to the overall negativity of the relationships mentioned above, and I can readily admit that now.
The next serious relationship and possibly the last one I’d have for awhile lasted about a year and everything went well until the distance and different schedules drove us apart. Although I wanted to remain friends, they didn’t want that so I had to respect their wishes and take my life of the person”s life.
I think I felt a smattering of love for this person, but, the minute we broke up that faded and I just, kind of moved on I suppose. So when I look at it, I think it was more a strong infatuation than it was love. It feels almost therapeutic to discuss this so openly.
The most recent partnership I just got out of as really hurt me badly and cut deeply. Indeed, if I may be so bold, I take full blame for ruining the relationship. In my bid to outdo someone, I inadvertently sank to their level and made up excuses as to why I was better than the other person, when I should’ve just been the person I already am. I realize this now, and it hurts more now that I know I don’t have them back. I truly believe that this person was my first real love.
Looking back on everything, I think my lack of knowledge on how to handle partnerships along with my self-esteem and self-confidence issues were the major factors in all of my partnerships. I know that now, and am actively seeking to rectify the situation so that I may better myself, for myself.
So just what is love? How do we know when we are actually in love? Are all those sappy poems and greeting cards right in their assumptions of the power of love? If so, how come some people are prone to it whilst others are not?
Throughout all of my self-reflections I realize that it is my lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and perseverance that have forever bound me to the outside of the emotion of love. Not to say that I couldn’t break the self-imposed shackles, but it’ll take work.
That’s why these love stories upset me so much. They are too fictitious, the fact is, that any solid partnership takes a lot of work and dedication on both sides. Above that though it is all completely by chance. There is never any guarantee that a relationship will last two days let alone 2 months, 2 years or whatever that case may be.
It’s important for us to be okay with being with ourselves and embracing our own company. We can’t just go out and actively seek such an abstract concept as love. We have to let it bloom naturally, but also, sometimes we need to just go out on a limb.
It’s a confusing emotion is love. And one that has and will baffle people for many centuries to come. Until then, we are forced to be implicitly and often times explicitly indoctrinated by things like valentine’s day, Disney love stories and Hallmark. Sad to say, that I think that particular kind of love, is a myth and just a marketing ploy.