My Life in Words and Randomness

This Blog will be a random mix-up of any and everything on my mind. Prepare for the random.

My Spirituality and Politics

This is a very special post to me because it addresses something I very seldom talk about; my feelings on spirituality and nature.  I think about these things often, and I’ve already become enlightened enough to acknowledge my choice of disbelief.  See, to me, with everything going on in the world as a whole and my life in particular, I have enough of a load on my shoulders and in my heart without worrying about the things I can’t see. This is one of the main reasons for my atheism.  It has come down to the fact that I could truly care less about whether or not there is some divine presence in the universe.   

See even though I don’t believe in a divine and invisible presence controlling our lives, I have the humility to know that I should love, honor and respect nature.  To me, nature and the physical world we see and can manipulate all around us, is all there truly is. It is our duty as an intelligent species to give back to nature as opposed to taking so much away and letting our earth die.  

I don’t believe that we need a book thousands of years old or a sky divinity to dictate our ethics, morals and other aspects of our lives. But I believe it is our duty to do the right thing for ourselves, as well as our fellow man and woman.  This is the only world we have, and the people around us are all we have.  It is our duty to protect and speak for those less fortunate than us who can’t or are too afraid to speak for themselves.  It is our job to fight for these people as well, physically if need be.  But we must strive to look out for one another because only as a collectivist species as opposed to an individualist species can we truly make a difference in life.  

We need to break our dependency on oil and trees. Instead we should look to hemp for paper and paper products, for t shirts and other useful things.  Look to solar, air and water energy to light cities, provide electricity to hospitals and homes etc.  We need to bring back the Amazon and other rainforests and whole forests we have destroyed and slowly wean away from a dependency on animal products.  It you want to reduce the population, catch, neuter and release them, don’t hunt them for sport and/or eat them.  

We need to embrace a world and a military of defense and not offense.  Stop the nuclear, chemical and biological arms races and instead focus on togetherness and respecting each other’s cultural differences.  Fight for equality and a higher standard of human rights all over the world, but do it through diplomacy not war.  Do it through the paper and the pen, not the tank and unmanned aircrafts.  

I believe that war is necessary, but only when all diplomatic options have been continuously tried and failed.  But as far as war goes, I believe we go in to achieve our one end and then leave.  We don’t stay and establish a permanent presence.

I know this is naive, and that there will be plenty of people who have ruffled feathers because of it, but it needs to be said: our government and our military is corrupted with bloodthirsty, power mad pieces of shit and they need to be stopped.  They need to be told that what they are doing is not okay.  We need to show them that we don’t support how they treat the world and how they treat the people of their own countries or other countries.  

I’m not sorry for saying what I said above, and if that means I am Un-American, then so be it because if being American means I have to sit by blindly and let Big Brother run my life and make my choices, then I don’t want to be a part of this country.  

We need to focus on education, we need to embrace science and logic in our politics, not religious zeal and idealism. I know these are hard truths to hear, but they need to be said. Too many of us are happy going with the flowing, refusing to question anything because that means thinking for ourselves and that, to many, is too frightening a concept to fathom  

I believe that if any number of these things can be achieved, we will go down as the greatest species that ever walked the Earth.  

Reflection Revisited

I have had another reflection of myself tonight that i’d like to get out in writing.  I feel that this is perhaps the best way to really keep my mind free and to make sure I don’t brood over things without reason.  Tonight I’ve been reflecting on getting older.  I’m not afraid to get older as I understand it’s just a part of life that we all have to deal with.  On the contrary, I find it amazing that I am older and wiser than I was years ago.  

I’m twenty-six years old and I’ve been out of High School for eight years.  I had one hell of a time in High School, and the memories I have there were always of fun times.  But, if I could go back and change it, I definitely would. Not that I hate where my life is now, but I would choose to focus on work more and make sure I wasn’t struggling like I am now.  But, what happened in my life, I suppose was what was meant to happen, and I cannot change that.  So I am happily resigned to the life I’ve lived.  

High school started out fun, I was a new kid trying to fit in and make friends, get a girlfriend, gain social status.  I was challenging the social pecking order in school.  At the time, rap music was really big, and tht’s what I was heavily into complete with trying to freestyle and hang out with all the people who did the same thing.  i made fleeting friendships that turned into civil smiles and then slowly progressed to no acknowledgement at all. I made a few really good friends that last me all through high school and the tumult that goes with it.  

In my Sophomore year I was into the “emo/screamo” scene, complete with black nail polish and the stereotypical “I hate the world and everyone is against me” attitude.  I had a few friends, mostly I was a clown, and did a lot of shit that I shouldn’t have done.  But, what’s done is done, and a lot of the times in this year were amazing because they started me on the path to my own self-discovery.  

In my junior year, I was a metal head, praise Satan kind of kid for a good portion of the year.  However, this year was important to me asit was the first eyar I really started to question my faith or lack there of in anything divine.  I didn’t make many friends this year, but i still had friends that stuck with me since the beginning of Freshman year.  Still goofed off and did things I wasn’t supposed to as a call to fit in and stand out at the same time.  

In my senior year, I calmed down dramatically and I cracked down more on my work, but still had a mischievous streak in me.  This was the first time my future started to actually matter to me.  And then like that, it was all over.  I graduated.  

Jump forward through many setbacks and many leaps forward and here I am now.  Still searching for myself and the meaning of my life.  However, I have learned valuable lessons about priorities and friends.  I’ve learned that opportunities are rare and may not always be there so that we need to take them when they arise.  

I’ve learned that life isnt about constant ups, we need the downs to balance our delicate psyches unless we can manage to avoid having a complete break from reality.  I’m not afraid of getting old, I look forward to getting another year older and another year wiser and more sensible. 

A Self-Reflection and Discourse on Market Love

All my life, I have striven to find “true love.” I’ve always looked for that magical love complete with singing birds and beautiful sun rays surrounding me with an aura of divinity.  However, throughout my search I have never found that love.  

I was raised and indoctrinated by Disney, and I really feel that it truly shaped my views of life, love and the world in general.  I was brought up believing in the strong differences between good and evil, love and hate, right and wrong.  I was brought up believing in the magic and mystery of love.  However, as I grow older and my heart grows colder, I continue to doubt the myth of love in any form.  

This blog entry, isn’t really a negative thing, more life a self-reflection in order for me to explore otherwise silent parts of my brain.  I could sit here and tell you that I’ve dwelt on this for a while, but the truth is that the movie 500 Days of Summer really brought it back to the forefront of my mind.  If you haven’t seen the movie, then I urge you to read no further as the rest may container spoilers.  So, continue at your own risk. 

The movie follows a person who falls desperately in love with their co-worker.  Where the co-worker states from the beginning they just want friendship, it quickly and mutually evolves into something more, an unlabeled love if you will.  As they get closer, the person falls more and more in love with their co-worker while the other one is complacently happy with their current scenario.  This ends in disaster and the two parting ways while randomly meeting afterwards with awkward countenances.  

Hurt feelings fly when it is revealed that the co-worker who only wanted friends is soon to be married, leaving the other person feeling stabbed in the back.  Their life slowly spirals out of control until it spirals so low that the only place for it to go is up.  The two have a satisfying, yet, not rewarding ending when you hoped for the two to be together forever.  However, they part ways amicably and the one feeling jilted meets someone else in the end before the end credits roll.  

I don’t know why this got me thinking a lot about my love life.  I guess because like the protagonist in this movie, i never understood what love is either. If I can be honest with myself, I still don’t.  I’ve felt something akin to love  recently, but unfortunately it ended, although amicable it’s really awkward for me and I hate knowing that we aren’t together anymore.  However, I realize that there is a lot that i need to discover for myself before I can bring anything constructive to a fulfilling relationship.  

Now all that remains for me is a self-reflection of my love life and possibly a self-analysis.  My first relationship started out through a mutual friend and right from the go it was somewhat volatile as the person I was dating was maniac depressive and suicidal.  We didn’t do much and I think that caused tension from my end and I lost interest.  Looking back, I feel that I could’ve tried to be more supportive and understanding of what they were going through and done a better job of making them feel wanted an appreciated.  I know this now, but that doesn’t excuse the fact it took so long.  

The next relationship was toxic to me as well as my partner was a kleptomaniac and it rubbed off on me for the time being.  I didn’t steal much, and I enjoyed the thrill of it, even though I knew it was morally wrong. They dumped me citing that we lived too far away, even though we lived maybe a ten minute walk from each other.

Looking back, at the times these fleeting relationships were good I thought I loved them, and I thought they loved me too.  But as time went on and the relationships started crumbling, it became clear there was no love lost or found in either relationship.  It’s hard to admit this, but I feel that it weighs me down constantly.  Not that the emotional air will be entirely clear, it just feels nice to solidify my thoughts.  Throughout these two relationships, I’ve done my fair share of things that contributed to the overall negativity of the relationships mentioned above, and I can readily admit that now. 

The next serious relationship and possibly the last one I’d have for awhile lasted about a year and everything went well until the distance and different schedules drove us apart.  Although I wanted to remain friends, they didn’t want that so I had to respect their wishes and take my life of the person”s life.  

I think I felt a smattering of love for this person, but, the minute we broke up that faded and I just, kind of moved on I suppose. So when I look at it, I think it was more a strong infatuation than it was love.  It feels almost therapeutic to discuss this so openly.  

The most recent partnership I just got out of as really hurt me badly and cut deeply.  Indeed, if I may be so bold, I take full blame for ruining the relationship.  In my bid to outdo someone, I inadvertently sank to their level and made up excuses as to why I was better than the other person, when I should’ve just been the person I already am.  I realize this now, and it hurts more now that I know I don’t have them back.  I truly believe that this person was my first real love.

Looking back on everything, I think my lack of knowledge on how to handle partnerships along with my self-esteem and self-confidence issues were the major factors in all of my partnerships.  I know that now, and am actively seeking to rectify the situation so that I may better myself, for myself.  

So just what is love?  How do we know when we are actually in love?  Are all those sappy poems and greeting cards right in their assumptions of the power of love? If so, how come some people are prone to it whilst others are not? 

Throughout all of my self-reflections I realize that it is my lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and perseverance that have forever bound me to the outside of the emotion of love.  Not to say that I couldn’t break the self-imposed shackles, but it’ll take work.  

That’s why these love stories upset me so much.  They are too fictitious, the fact is, that any solid partnership takes a lot of work and dedication on both sides.  Above that though it is all completely by chance.  There is never any guarantee that a relationship will last two days let alone 2 months, 2 years or whatever that case may be.  

It’s important for us to be okay with being with ourselves and embracing our own company.  We can’t just go out and actively seek such an abstract concept as love.  We have to let it bloom naturally, but also, sometimes we need to just go out on a limb.

 It’s a confusing emotion is love.  And one that has and will baffle people for many centuries to come.  Until then, we are forced to be implicitly and often times explicitly indoctrinated by things like valentine’s day, Disney love stories and Hallmark.  Sad to say, that I think that particular kind of love, is a myth and just a marketing ploy.  

Johnny Depp Movies I’ve Seen

- A Nightmare on Elm Street

- Edward Scissorhands

- Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

- Benny and Joon

- What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

- Donnie Brasco

- The Ninth Gate

- Sleepy Hollow

- Blow

- From Hell

- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

- Secret Window

- Finding Neverland

- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

- The Corpse Bride

- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

- Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

- Sweeney Todd

- Rango

- The Tourist

- The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

- Public Enemies

- Alice in Wonderland

- Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

- 21 Jump Street

- The Lone Ranger

Chinese authorities are taking the outbreak so seriously that they have sealed off some 30,000 residents out of a total population of 100,000 to prevent the disease from spreading further. That’s roughly 1 in 3 people — not a welcoming statistic.

I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.

Nicholas SparksThe Notebook (via feellng)